Sunday, December 16, 2012

Reboot Long Weekend: Day 3

     Well everyone, this is it, the last day entry. To set this up a little, I actually started the Reboot on Friday night, my dinner that evening being juice, so lunch today was my last juice. It know it was a weird timetable, but it was 72 hours, so it's done.

     Spencer called me and asked me to help her move today. As you might recall from the last Reboot, I left her sitting at a table alone one of the last times we had dinner plans, so I was happy to help. Well thanks to the rain today, moving got cancelled. So we settled for going back to her place with her boyfriend Daniel and disassembling the furniture to make it easier to move later.

     Last time I helped someone move on the juice, I shat with such a vengeance that we could have used the stream as a missile defense system. No such luck this time. I even tried going for a jog this morning (by morning I mean 1 PM, but since I had just woken up, it's morning to me), but nothing happened. I again took a normal crap. I'm using the term 'normal' loosely here, as it was still so righteously smelly that I was asked to appear before a UN security council for crimes against humanity, but compositionally it was normal.

     I voiced my concern to Sara, and she said it might be because the last reboot was only a couple of months ago, and my body is still used to the idea of a liquid diet. She may be right, I'm not sure. I'm going to root around on the forums a bit more and see what people have experienced. Either way, nothing happened. An odd side note, my pee has become incredibly murky. It looks like I'm peeing an unfiltered wheat beer, all golden and cloudy.

     So, my first meal in 3 days was at Angier, North Carolina's crown jewel, the Mucho Mexico. And lemme tell you, there's a lot of Mexico in a place that serves margaritas by the pitcher. And it wasn't half bad. Thanks for coming along with me, here's a picture of a cat, because this is the internet. You've earned it.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Reboot Long Weekend: Day 2

     Hi everyone, welcome to another installment of "Tim an Masochist." Today was a weird day for me physically, not at all what I expected to happen. And I know you're all holding out for my insane pooping stories, but I don't really know what's going on in my guts right now.

     I started today of pretty normally. Randy came over and we made juice. He will not be joining me for day 3, which I can't say I blame him for. He's got a cookout, I dig it. I drank the juice, it was solid enough. Now that we're on the topic of solids and liquids, let's talk about my poopies.

     So last time around, day two was Crapfest 2012. I levitated off the toilet. Today was a little different.  Rather than purge my bowels, I instead skipped to the last part of last time. I am currently taking normal  composition dooks, but holy sweet moses in the desert, does it reek. I know it was bad last time, but jesus, this ain't even right. I am really glad we're moving at the end of the month, because I don't want to occupy a space that has seen that much... ugly. I'm pretty sure that's how places get haunted.

     To be honest with you, I'm a little freaked out. I treat every fart like it's the big one. You know the one. The one where you let it go, then wait a polite amount of time and go make sure you didn't shit your pants a little. And you totally did. I keep expecting this to get bad, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop here. I'm a little too traumatized from last time to think I'm gonna get out of this clean. I am preparing for another late night attack. God help me. God help us all.

Reboot Long Weekend: Day 1

     Hello everyone! Once again the mob demands that I put to paper (or browser) my experience with the Reboot. For those of you who are new to this, and maychance haven't read my previous entries, I suggest that you take the time now to go ahead and look at those right now. Particularly the part where I tell you not to read it. Don't read this, it's terrible. It's full of memes and shit. Literally, I'm going to talk about my doodies. Like a lot.

     Welp, that's my warning, so anything you read after this point is on your conscience, not mine. I guess I should do a better job of setting this up. My buddy Randy had expressed interest in trying the Reboot on a smaller scale, after I had such a grand old time of it last go-round. So when I mentioned to him that I was looking to hit the reset button after the holidays, he said he was in. I may pepper in some of his commentary on how he's faring, as his pain will be fresh and peppy, while mine will be seasoned with experience. Now you're getting twice the suffering for the same low rate!

     Day 1 wasn't bad, it wasn't bad last time either. But I can feel things shifting, making preparations for what is about to happen. We made the juice, which came out pretty good. It wasn't until dinnertime today that I really started to feel hungry. That persisted into the evening, as I had to work late at the movie theater. I took a serious but otherwise normal crap while on break, and it already gave warning of tomorrow's tidings. I must now brace my innards for the stampede I will face tomorrow. I have resigned myself to this. Here we go again. Tune in tomorrow for the really juicy stuff!

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

STFU: A Guide to Friendship During Election Season

     Ok everyone, let's take a second here and consider our current climate. I met a man named Muhammad while I was in Germany. This was immediately before we elected Obama, and we were all abuzz about him versus McCain. He told me that he admired americans during election time.Everyone has an opinion, everyone gets involved, and for 6 months, we all actually give a shit about the same thing at the same time. In taking a look at my Facebook feed tonight during the debate, all I could think was "sorry, Muhammad, but you're wrong."

     Holy tapdancing christ everyone, let's just calm down. I am watching people not only talk shit like this is a high school football game, but it's getting mean. It's getting personal, and it's getting vicious. Now I'm not one to shy away from an argument, and I've spent plenty of time talking politics. I know politics gets a lot of blood pumping. Hey, this is the fate of our country here, we all get to have an opinion, that's the whole point. The difference is that I've never called anyone an idiot for leaning a different way from me politically. I've never called them blind, I've never felt the need to resort to a personal attack to "prove" my point. As Tanios reminded me today, we had many a debate. But none of them ended with us telling the other that their trousers are unbecoming, no pistols at dawn.

     Let's look at that for a moment. We all understand that belittling someone for having a different opinion doesn't prove anything, right? We all get that, right? This is schoolyard bullshit here. All you're doing is devaluing what you're saying, and coming off as the worst possible representative of your party. Remember Howard Dean? I actually still think he would have made a good president. We might not have had another term of Bush if Dean hadn't flipped his shit at a campaign event, but instead we got John Fucking Kerry, and shit, I'd take anyone over that pile of crap. Dean got way too intense, so we didn't take him seriously. Think about it. I'll wait. You look petty, you look comical, and you look weak when you talk shit. You're never going to change hearts and minds like that. You're a joke, and we're all going to laugh at you. Stop it.

     Take a look at me and my buddy, and former roommate, Chuck. For the sake of discussion, I'm going to use broad terms in saying that I am generally liberal, while Chuck is generally conservative. We lived together for years, and not once did we have some insane and pointless throwdown over politics. I never told him that Bush survives off the blood of infants, and he never told me that Obama was not born in this country. Differing opinions are what makes this country swell. It's called mutual respect. You should try it, it's better than bath salts any day.

     I guess what I'm getting at here is this: please, shut the fuck up, and keep shutting the fuck up. I'm not saying you can't have an opinion. I'm not saying you can't have passion. Just please, don't be a prick about it. And hey, I think we'll all agree that I'm a world-class sonofabitch. But I don't need to talk down to someone because we disagree. I know it makes you feel like a badass, but all you are is a douche. Don't use the election as an excuse to show us who you really are, don't hide your true self behind politics. You are a tiny person and your only chance to feel superior is to talk down to people of other mindsets. With an attitude like that, you ought to run for office.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Reboot: Epilogue

     I want to start this off by thanking all of you for joining me on this journey. I won't quite say it was your stalwart support that held my head above water, but it was definitely the threat of your collective tomato-throwing that shamed me into succeeding with this. You have read the horrors of the process, from side effects to insanity, and I either appreciate or pity you, I haven't decided.

     My plans for dinner this evening got screwed up twice. I was going to go to Sushi Thai,but they don't open until 5 on Sundays, so that plan drowned. Next, I was going to enjoy Sushi Nine instead, but rehearsal ran late, so our break was shortened and we wouldn't have time for a sit-down. Spence, I'm so sorry you got us a table just to have me cancel on you. Love you! Anyway, I defaulted to the closest and fastest place I could think of, which was the Beansprout. It's cheap chinese, but it ain't half bad. I got my hands on one of their shitty egg rolls and took a bite. In that moment, as I bit into that cheap egg roll, I saw the face of god.

     The beauty, the intricacies, the subtle love that went into that shitty, probably frozen egg roll poured into not only my body, but into the crevices of my spirit, filling the gaps left by the deep hurts in my life. It was transcendent. Hello, old friend. I went after the General Tso's next, and it was no less amazing. All in all, I was only able to eat about a cup and a half of food before I was stuffed. Mission accomplished. The reduction in my appetite is really amazing. Before, I could have beasted that entire combo without a second thought. Now, I can eat the egg roll, a couple pieces of chicken and a few bites of rice, and I couldn't touch another spoonful. Forkful. Chopstickful. Whatever.

     This was really all worth it. Now that I know how to do this, I'm going to juice at least a couple days a week for lunch at work, to try to keep my appetite down and stay healthy. As I write this, I'm enjoying the first beer I've had in a week, and while it's cheap shit, it's good to me right now. It's good to be back in the world. Looking at the Reboot forums, they say that doing it in your normal diet helps a lot, and you don't have the crazy side-effects. About once every 3 months, you should do what they call a long weekend, which is just a 3-day cleanse. Now that I'm mixing this into a normal diet, I hope to start exercising a little more, maybe improve my overall health in the long term.

     If any of you are down for this, feel free to hit me up, I'll be happy to give you tips. Really the forums are spectacular, you don't really need a lot of outside help, but the buddy system never hurt anyone. I have to say, I almost recommend it. You know the side effects, and now the payoff, so weight the benefits.

     Thanks for coming along on this with me, you lunatics. Why you continued reading is beyond me, truly. I might update this every now and then, when the mood strikes me. I'll keep you posted. Hopefully, if I do, it will contain a lot less about the details of my bowel movements. Not nothing, mind you, just less.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Reboot: Day 7 Recap

     Sorry to bore you with how well this has been going over the last couple of days. Well it's time to get back to basics. Today was awful for a series of reasons, which I will lay out now.

     So I started my day by helping a friend move out of her apartment. As it turns out, you need to be careful on this diet. When you do physical activity, you have to ease into it. Start light, then ramp it up. Well, I haven't been trying to exercise on this diet. I figured that I have enough on my plate right now, no need to add strenuous physical activity. As it turns out, that was wise. I learned today exactly what happens when you wake a sleeping giant.

     Moving entertainment systems and boxes stirred the waters. Get to the choppa, whispered my bowels. Basically every hour on the hour, I had to absolutely purge everything I've ever eaten, and a few things I cannot identify. This continued even after I was done, and it was not pleasant. It has finally subsided, but it was a rough couple of hours.

     This is not the only problem I've been having today. The cravings have become pretty intense. My friends Randy, Mary Kate and I were watching a TV show together, and one of the characters was eating french fries. The experience of watching her eat them was something I can only describe as pornographic. I realized that in that moment, if Randy and Mary Kate had been eating those fries, I would have elbowed them both in the goddamn throats and taken those fries. And it would not have ended there. I would have eaten each and every one of those things, and then I would have shmeared the wrapper all over my body while dancing the dance of life. Those fries looked like a steaming package of hot dirty sex. I would have hurt people I care about for them. Even watching someone make a crappy tuna sandwich on there made my mouth water.

     As I type this, the show I am watching shows the characters eating pie, and it's hurting me. I want you to know that if you are eating while you are reading this, my senses for food are heightened. I am currently aware of every meal being eaten in a 2,000 meter radius of me. I can smell you through my internet, and your undoing is upon you. Tomorrow this is done, and while it's been a great experience, I have to say, I'll be happy to enjoy real food again. My first solid meal in a week will be a Sushi Thai, a personal local favorite of mine tomorrow evening. And I cannot wait.

Reboot: Day 6 Recap

     We're in the home stretch now kids, it's almost over. Sorry for the late post on this, I got home last night and went straight to bed, I've been exhausted. I'm going to miss how healthy I'm forced to be, but man if this diet isn't a pain in the ass a lot of the time, and I miss real food.

     I felt pretty damn good today, overall. I think that part of it has really normalized for me. My body knows what's up now, and we're on the same team. The temptation, however, has slowly ramped up. As my body becomes more and more accustomed to the Reboot, my mind seems to latch more and more onto very nearly all the food I come into contact with. Even really mundane stuff like toast in the toaster oven at work smells spectacular. And if I so much as smell cheese on something I want to bowl people over and snatch it up.

     The reserves of energy I have now are pretty amazing. When I have my juice in the morning, I'm surprised at how long that energy lasts me. It's a much more consistent boost than a cup of coffee, with no jitters. I had already been phasing caffeine out of my diet over the last couple of weeks, but now that it's out completely, I feel great. It's weird, I'm actually tired when I should go to bed. Funny how your body works when it's not taking in a lot of stimulants.

     Sorry to keep this post short and sweet, I gotta bounce. Stay handsome, and look for my post later tonight for the last full day recap, complete with new side effects today! I won't ruin the surprise, but been a rough day.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Reboot: Day 5 Recap

     Another day down, and one closer to eating solid food again. Today was a tough one mentally, but not physically. It's getting harder and harder not to stare motherfuckers down just for bringing in something I want to eat.

     My appetite has dropped so low at this point that it is always a struggle to finish the juice. I had a pint glass for dinner and it was more than enough for the night. This is pretty awesome, and I'm pumped to see how little it will take to fill me up when this is over. I did the raw food cleanse a while back, and even that reduced what it took pretty significantly, so it will be an interesting experiment. This was one of the main reasons I started down this path, a way to enforce portion control without feeling like I was starving myself. I can honestly say I haven't felt really hungry, it's been more of a temptation issue.

     As my body adjusts, the cravings are getting stronger. No one had anything particularly appetizing for lunch today, but during rehearsal someone had something with onions in it, possibly a burrito, that smelled divine. I would have killed for a bite of it. I'm really glad I didn't actually see where it was, because I may have knocked that fucker out and taken that delicious food, whatever it was. I'm not really sure at this point if I'm just looking forward to food so much that everything smells good, or if I'm just sensitive to the smells because I haven't been cooking. Either way, I'd eat just about anything at this point.

     Again though, this one side effect remains. I drop the most heinous smelling bombs in the bathroom. Holy moses, we're talking paint peeling from the walls stuff here, like those finches they used to keep in turn of the century mines would be dropping like flies. They are of normal size and composition now, but wow. The horrors my digestive tract has created in the last 5 days really gives me an appreciation of how rough my guts could make my life. I'll be nice to you, innards, if you go back to normal after this.

     I think my first solid meal is going to be Sushi Thai. The service sucks, but the food is great and affordable, so it's the way to go. I have rehearsal that night, and it's right next to campus, so convenience is there too. All in all, it should be a good pick. I was going to try to do some epic meal at home, but rehearsal isn't going to let that happen. Such is life. Stay handsome!

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Reboot: Day 4 Recap

     I lucked out tonight and got cut from rehearsal early, so I can finally get this done at some time other than midnight.

     To be honest here everyone, I thought this wasn't going to go well at all. I assumed I was going to try this and fail miserably for everyone's amusement, stuffing my face with something in secret. Then I'd feel bad and fess up to it, then Kate would make fun of me because the elderly live on a liquid diet, and I'm too much of a puss to do it too. I learned a long time ago that people like to see me in any form of pain. I suffer in an entertaining way, and my painface is a riot, so I've learned to own it.

     Well I hate to disappoint you, but today went really well. I added a lot more fruit, as opposed to veggies, to my juice today, and it was awesome. It wasn't quite as filling as normal, but my appetite is so low that at this point, it's not 100% necessary to use starchier components. I also didn't consider murder during lunchtime at work, which was awesome. There are lots of reason to want to kill a lot of my coworkers, but their microwaved lunches aren't on the list. Funny, I thought my self control would wane, but it actually seems to be leveling off. I want real food from a taste perspective, sure, but not really from a desire to eat. The juice is good, don't get me wrong, but it's no masterpiece.

     There were a couple of trying moments. We got to talking about good local mexican food, and Chubby's Tacos is a convenient drive from my office. They have burritos the size of your head, and their spicy tinga is out of this world. I know how easy it would be to head over there, but I've gone too far to turn back now. But if someone walks into my office with one of those, my zen demeanor could all come crashing down in a tornado of om-nom and hatred.

     Enough about that, let's get down to the real reason we're all here.

     So I actually pooped like a normal human being today, other than the fact that it smelled like I ate the rotting carcass of a gazelle. My body appears to have finally made the switch it needed to in order to process the juice. Instead of firing liquid from my ass like a shametrain of broken dreams, I instead have begun to piss out my kidneys about an hour after I drink the juice. And yes, it does still smell in some way close to whatever I drank. Today's selection wasn't bad at all, but I'm moving back to more veggies tomorrow, so I'm sure we'll get back to a less pleasant scent soon. That's not to say that I enjoyed the smell today, mind you, I'm not R Kelly.

     That's all for me tonight. I can almost start to recommend this, but not yet, and not unless you have a lot of time on your hands and don't mind 2 days of hell. See you tomorrow!

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Reboot: Day 3 Recap

     Well, my day started bright and early today! Remember in my last post how I said I hoped I wasn't going to have to go to the bathroom again? What a fool I was to have jinxed myself like that! At about 4:30 AM I awoke to my inner voice going off like the red alert sound from Star Trek, shrieking you are going to shit in 5 seconds, regardless of location. Luckily, I had prepared myself for this. I had left the toilet seat down, but the cover up. I barely managed to stiff arm the bathroom door and sit down before the onslaught commenced. Little did I know this would be the death throes of my extreme deuces, out for one last good brawl. I wrapped up, collected what shards of my self respect I had not flushed, and managed to get a little more sleep before my alarm at 6 (welcome to office life, kids). 

     I got to work without incident, got settled, and cracked open my breakfast. I then experienced something that I had not yet since I started this arguably pointless and definitely insane journey: I could not finish the bottle. Now these bottles are approximately one liter each. I drink one for breakfast at about 7:15, and another for lunch at 11. Dinner for me is about 5 PM, so by the time breakfast rolls around, I'm usually starving. This bottle thwarted me. I forced myself to finish the last bit of it. I thought that perhaps I was getting sick of the juice, that the taste was getting to me, so I just didn't feel hungry. But the hunger didn't come back until lunchtime, and yet again, I couldn't finish the juice. I had used a sweet potato in my lunch, which makes it filling, so I only got through about 2/3 of it before I had to stop. I'm really amazed at how small my appetite is now, after only 3 days.

     The cravings, however, have escalated. Someone brought cake into the office, it was lurking in the break room, with a sign that said (this is true, no lie) "eat me" on it. While the Alice in Wonderland reference wasn't lost on me, I was soon deep in a fantasy of pulling the fire alarm, waiting for everyone to leave, and burying my fucking face into that cake, scrambling to grab every morsel as the firemen try to drag me from the room. At lunch, my old supervisor got chinese delivered. I'm not talking good stuff, I'm talking cheap, generic American-style Chinese food, also known as the BEST KIND OF CHINESE FOOD. I could have reached into his chest and pulled out his still beating heart to show him how black it was before the light faded in his eyes, and considered it for well over an hour after lunch, as the smell of that delicious fried rice hung in the air. 

     I did have to take one trip to the bathroom while at work, but it was a pleasant surprise. That's not to say it wasn't awful, it was, but at least now I'm not peeing out of my ass with the rage of my ancestors. No, now it's more like a series of shotgun blasts, but hey, at least it's over quick. I'm optimistic that I have weathered the worst of the storm. Looking around on the forums, the second day appears to be the hardest, so I think I'm out of the woods in that regard. The trick now is to keep my head in the game and control myself. 

     On a side note, hey God? It's me, Tim. So listen, um, I don't want to come off as presumptuous, but why in the sweet blue fuck would you put all the nutrients into something like kale, which tastes like a compost heap? Cut the shit. Take all that good stuff and put it in something more deserving, like a Slim Jim or a pancake.

     Well kids, that's it for me tonight. Tune in for Day 4 tomorrow!

Monday, September 17, 2012

Reboot: Day 2 Recap

     Well everyone, this is it. This is the turning point. This is where you decide what kind of person you are. Are you happy, fun and successful? Or are you a strange recluse, shambling about the streets looking for your next fix? This is the decision you make by continuing on here tonight. It's about to get really real.

     ... Alright, I get it, you're a Viking. So be it, the die is cast.

     We'll skip the part tonight where I tell you about the potion I concocted. It's irrelevant to what I'm about to go into, so suffice to say "I made tasty juice." I got up early and began juicing around 6:30AM today. It was in these moments that I realized how spectacularly loud this process is, as it thundered in the pre-dawn quiet. I jammed that shit in there as fast as I could to try to expedite the process. I managed to get my breakfast and lunch made and get the hell out of there before a mob formed, so good on me.

     I was about 5 minutes away from work on I-440 when I heard the voice. It;s that voice in the back of your mind, the one that tells you that you've just heard a bone break, or that you're about to throw up. The leviathan is nigh. Light the signals, let it be known throughout the holds. It is upon us. It was about to happen. I was about to take the most epic of craps, one that would be detectable in the water supply of every nation on this earth for generations, that scholars would speak about. I became aware of a shot clock. I had a finite amount of time to deal with this,  or I was quite possibly going to crap in my pants.

     I managed to shuffle into my office building and clock in before I moved as quickly as possible to the most secluded restroom. There is a locker room on the basement level that no one uses, because it's an office building, why the fuck wouldn't you shower at home? I staggered in, sat down, and let fly. I cannot manage to find words important and weighty enough to describe the horror to all my senses. The force, the mere physics of it seemed impossible. Here I am, at 7:15 in the morning, essentially peeing out my ass in the basement bathroom of my building. Not my proudest moment.

     I may never return to that bathroom. I don't know that it will ever be the same. Seeing as this was epic enough to warrant a halftime flush, I'm gonna guess that the smell may never leave that place. I wasn't sure if propping the door and letting it air out was better or worse. It might make that room useable again some day, but I didn't want some innocent bystander to get caught in this pestilence. I decided to leave it closed, I'll burn the building down later.

     It was not over. I had a lull in the action where I was able to get work done, but I spent extended amounts of time in the bathroom at 12:20, 1:51, 2:34, 3:18 and several more times during rehearsal this evening. They lessened in the intensity, but were no less compositionally unpleasant. I type this now from my bathroom, hoping that this will be the last trip before morning. I'm so sorry that you have to read this, but really, it's on you at this point. The responsibility is yours now.

     So far so good otherwise. I am craving a lot of foods, but I'm not at the point of madness over it just yet. So hopefully this cleanse will do me some good, and if nothing else, it will be a good experiment. Here's hoping I can get some work done tomorrow.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Reboot: Day 1 Recap

     So, Day 1 is at an end. Let's go through my day (because I'm a narcissist).

     I got up today and went straight to the farmer's market. This is probably the best decision I could have made. Not only am I buying the fruits and veggies I need, but I'm getting them crazy cheap and supporting local farmers. I stocked up on a lot of things I'm going to need regularly, like kale and tomatoes. It also gave me the chance to browse seasonal veggies that I rarely eat. Butternut squash and sweet potatoes were on my list for some of the fall-themed juices, so I got my hands on those. I also got mustard greens, which I didn't know existed until yesterday, a couple beets and some hot peppers. A lot of the recipes are spicy, which surprised me, but it sounded good to me, so I went for it.

     I mixed up dinner with the sweet potato, a beet, a cucumber and a butternut squash. I was feeling feisty, so I threw in a jalapeño for some heat. It smelled and looked like some kind of rue used to make pumpkin pie, and it turned out to be pretty damn good. I've had pumpkin lattes and whatnot before, so it was odd to have something so pumpkiny (yea, I use words that aren't real, write your own damn blog if you're so smart) served cold. The jalapeño really brought a lot of heat, probably because it juiced it seeds and all, but the squash and potato offset it nicely. All in all, I'm pleased with how it came out, and may make it again.

     Enough about how well this is going, let's get down to the complaints and side effects.

     I'm not feeling all that hungry, which is interesting to me. I thought I'd be starving, but it's a lot more like I feel like I should be eating, even though I don't feel hungry. I want to go eat because I feel like i haven't, even though I've gotten what I need to sustain myself. I think a lot of the mental game here is going to be breaking the habit of eating. Not feeling like a crazy person just yet, but get back with me in a few days and see if this turns into foodporn.

     An immediate side effect happened when I got to rehearsal tonight. I went to pee, and noticed immediately that my urine smelled like pumpkin, and not in the good way. I can only describe it, and I'm so sorry to put this into your mind, as "savory." It had an oddly meaty overtone to it, and it was overall rather unpleasant.

     Rehearsal also brought my first major temptation. LeGrande brought in mini cupcakes. They were either chocolate or Oreo with cream frosting. I happened to walk by as she was putting them out, and she offered them to me and walked out. So it's me and an unadulterated tray of cupcakes, alone in a room. I looked at them, and they looked right back. Of all the gin joints in all the world, you had to look delicious in mine. I won't make myself out to be a hero here, I wanted them. Out loud, I said "fuck you, cupcakes" and walked out. I seriously considered taking one and freeing it until next week, but I decided that would be kinda sad and weird, so I didn't.

     Lastly, I'm feeling a bit odd in my guts. Not sick or anything, but the feeling. The one that whispers into the corner of your subconscious a storm is coming. Dark clouds are gathering in my intestines, and I have a feeling that I am getting ready to take a dump so glorious and profound that it may change me. Whether it is for the better or the worse remains to be seen. All I know is that tomorrow, work is going to be very interesting.

Reboot: Preamble

     Well boys and girls, by popular demand, I've decided to blog about the horror I've decided to put myself through. I want all of you to consider, if you will, that I am going to go into the intimate details of what this does to my body. Know this, and consider the course of the rest of your life. Know that you cannot un-know the things I will say here. Think of your children, deprived of the glow in their parent's eyes, knowing that they have seen too much. Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.

      Alright, well since you obviously hold no love for your families, let's soldier on. I watched a film about 6 weeks ago called "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead." It's about a man with an autoimmune disease, who decides to switch to a liquid diet of fruits and vegetables only. It's called the Reboot system, and it's designed around the idea that the human body evolved around naturally occurring vitamins and minerals, and it will function optimally while taking those in. He put mixes of fruits and vegetables into a juicer (not a smoothie), and sustains off of that and water. All in all, it's brilliantly made. It lays out the process in plain language, and their website is great. It's a free community of people and nutritionists making sure that they do it right. The recipes are pretty legit.

     I've been feeling pretty bad about my weight lately, as I've consistently gained weight since I got my current job last year. I sit in a cubicle all day, the most active thing I do is walk into the break room. This Reboot seemed like a really cool chance to start making a lifestyle change. My intention is to continue even after the Reboot by doing this for lunch every day at work. I get all my food groups, and it keeps me from sitting there long enough to decide that Solo must be encased in carbonite.

     So we all probably remember when I did the uncooked fruit and vegetable cleanse I did about a month ago. I did it for 3 days, which is among the more intense experiences of my life. I felt physically good, with the exception of shitting my goddamn colon out the first 2 days straight. We're not talking "gee wiz, I really need to head to the boys room right now," it was more along the lines of "SWEET TAPDANCING JESUS CHRIST, OUTTA MY WAY OR I'LL DUCE IN MY PANTS." The flip side was, my appetite after that point was virtually non-existant. I could barely get through 2 PB&Js without feeling absolutely stuffed. It was a rough process, but overall I loved it.

     The overall goal was eventually to try the full Reboot. I got myself a juicer, and it's about to go down. I will be Rebooting from Sunday to Sunday, a full week of a liquid diet. I'm excited, and most of you are as well. There has always been something about my suffering that has brought a great deal of joy to others, which I deserve. I meant to begin documenting this process yesterday evening, but I realized there are far too many beers out there in the world, and it's about time someone started doing something about it (also it was a friend's birthday, happy early birthday Spence).

     I used yesterday as the beginning of the process, allowing myself a day to ease into the week. I did liquids for breakfast and lunch, but a solid dinner. This is one way to do a partial Reboot for people with more severe medical issues who cannot physically handle the Reboot without, you know, dying. I was surprised how filling the drink was, it really hit the spot and gave me consistent energy all day. Also the recipes that people have come up with are pretty darn good, and with a lot of fall vegetables available right now, I'm not having to forgo good food for health.

     I'm locked, stocked and ready to roll on this. I'll be updating each evening with my progress and any side effects I experience. Tune in later tonight for the Day 1 recap.