Well everyone, this is it. This is the turning point. This is where you decide what kind of person you are. Are you happy, fun and successful? Or are you a strange recluse, shambling about the streets looking for your next fix? This is the decision you make by continuing on here tonight. It's about to get really real.
... Alright, I get it, you're a Viking. So be it, the die is cast.
We'll skip the part tonight where I tell you about the potion I concocted. It's irrelevant to what I'm about to go into, so suffice to say "I made tasty juice." I got up early and began juicing around 6:30AM today. It was in these moments that I realized how spectacularly loud this process is, as it thundered in the pre-dawn quiet. I jammed that shit in there as fast as I could to try to expedite the process. I managed to get my breakfast and lunch made and get the hell out of there before a mob formed, so good on me.
I was about 5 minutes away from work on I-440 when I heard the voice. It;s that voice in the back of your mind, the one that tells you that you've just heard a bone break, or that you're about to throw up. The leviathan is nigh. Light the signals, let it be known throughout the holds. It is upon us. It was about to happen. I was about to take the most epic of craps, one that would be detectable in the water supply of every nation on this earth for generations, that scholars would speak about. I became aware of a shot clock. I had a finite amount of time to deal with this, or I was quite possibly going to crap in my pants.
I managed to shuffle into my office building and clock in before I moved as quickly as possible to the most secluded restroom. There is a locker room on the basement level that no one uses, because it's an office building, why the fuck wouldn't you shower at home? I staggered in, sat down, and let fly. I cannot manage to find words important and weighty enough to describe the horror to all my senses. The force, the mere physics of it seemed impossible. Here I am, at 7:15 in the morning, essentially peeing out my ass in the basement bathroom of my building. Not my proudest moment.
I may never return to that bathroom. I don't know that it will ever be the same. Seeing as this was epic enough to warrant a halftime flush, I'm gonna guess that the smell may never leave that place. I wasn't sure if propping the door and letting it air out was better or worse. It might make that room useable again some day, but I didn't want some innocent bystander to get caught in this pestilence. I decided to leave it closed, I'll burn the building down later.
It was not over. I had a lull in the action where I was able to get work done, but I spent extended amounts of time in the bathroom at 12:20, 1:51, 2:34, 3:18 and several more times during rehearsal this evening. They lessened in the intensity, but were no less compositionally unpleasant. I type this now from my bathroom, hoping that this will be the last trip before morning. I'm so sorry that you have to read this, but really, it's on you at this point. The responsibility is yours now.
So far so good otherwise. I am craving a lot of foods, but I'm not at the point of madness over it just yet. So hopefully this cleanse will do me some good, and if nothing else, it will be a good experiment. Here's hoping I can get some work done tomorrow.