Sunday, December 16, 2012

Reboot Long Weekend: Day 3

     Well everyone, this is it, the last day entry. To set this up a little, I actually started the Reboot on Friday night, my dinner that evening being juice, so lunch today was my last juice. It know it was a weird timetable, but it was 72 hours, so it's done.

     Spencer called me and asked me to help her move today. As you might recall from the last Reboot, I left her sitting at a table alone one of the last times we had dinner plans, so I was happy to help. Well thanks to the rain today, moving got cancelled. So we settled for going back to her place with her boyfriend Daniel and disassembling the furniture to make it easier to move later.

     Last time I helped someone move on the juice, I shat with such a vengeance that we could have used the stream as a missile defense system. No such luck this time. I even tried going for a jog this morning (by morning I mean 1 PM, but since I had just woken up, it's morning to me), but nothing happened. I again took a normal crap. I'm using the term 'normal' loosely here, as it was still so righteously smelly that I was asked to appear before a UN security council for crimes against humanity, but compositionally it was normal.

     I voiced my concern to Sara, and she said it might be because the last reboot was only a couple of months ago, and my body is still used to the idea of a liquid diet. She may be right, I'm not sure. I'm going to root around on the forums a bit more and see what people have experienced. Either way, nothing happened. An odd side note, my pee has become incredibly murky. It looks like I'm peeing an unfiltered wheat beer, all golden and cloudy.

     So, my first meal in 3 days was at Angier, North Carolina's crown jewel, the Mucho Mexico. And lemme tell you, there's a lot of Mexico in a place that serves margaritas by the pitcher. And it wasn't half bad. Thanks for coming along with me, here's a picture of a cat, because this is the internet. You've earned it.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Reboot Long Weekend: Day 2

     Hi everyone, welcome to another installment of "Tim an Masochist." Today was a weird day for me physically, not at all what I expected to happen. And I know you're all holding out for my insane pooping stories, but I don't really know what's going on in my guts right now.

     I started today of pretty normally. Randy came over and we made juice. He will not be joining me for day 3, which I can't say I blame him for. He's got a cookout, I dig it. I drank the juice, it was solid enough. Now that we're on the topic of solids and liquids, let's talk about my poopies.

     So last time around, day two was Crapfest 2012. I levitated off the toilet. Today was a little different.  Rather than purge my bowels, I instead skipped to the last part of last time. I am currently taking normal  composition dooks, but holy sweet moses in the desert, does it reek. I know it was bad last time, but jesus, this ain't even right. I am really glad we're moving at the end of the month, because I don't want to occupy a space that has seen that much... ugly. I'm pretty sure that's how places get haunted.

     To be honest with you, I'm a little freaked out. I treat every fart like it's the big one. You know the one. The one where you let it go, then wait a polite amount of time and go make sure you didn't shit your pants a little. And you totally did. I keep expecting this to get bad, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop here. I'm a little too traumatized from last time to think I'm gonna get out of this clean. I am preparing for another late night attack. God help me. God help us all.

Reboot Long Weekend: Day 1

     Hello everyone! Once again the mob demands that I put to paper (or browser) my experience with the Reboot. For those of you who are new to this, and maychance haven't read my previous entries, I suggest that you take the time now to go ahead and look at those right now. Particularly the part where I tell you not to read it. Don't read this, it's terrible. It's full of memes and shit. Literally, I'm going to talk about my doodies. Like a lot.

     Welp, that's my warning, so anything you read after this point is on your conscience, not mine. I guess I should do a better job of setting this up. My buddy Randy had expressed interest in trying the Reboot on a smaller scale, after I had such a grand old time of it last go-round. So when I mentioned to him that I was looking to hit the reset button after the holidays, he said he was in. I may pepper in some of his commentary on how he's faring, as his pain will be fresh and peppy, while mine will be seasoned with experience. Now you're getting twice the suffering for the same low rate!

     Day 1 wasn't bad, it wasn't bad last time either. But I can feel things shifting, making preparations for what is about to happen. We made the juice, which came out pretty good. It wasn't until dinnertime today that I really started to feel hungry. That persisted into the evening, as I had to work late at the movie theater. I took a serious but otherwise normal crap while on break, and it already gave warning of tomorrow's tidings. I must now brace my innards for the stampede I will face tomorrow. I have resigned myself to this. Here we go again. Tune in tomorrow for the really juicy stuff!

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

STFU: A Guide to Friendship During Election Season

     Ok everyone, let's take a second here and consider our current climate. I met a man named Muhammad while I was in Germany. This was immediately before we elected Obama, and we were all abuzz about him versus McCain. He told me that he admired americans during election time.Everyone has an opinion, everyone gets involved, and for 6 months, we all actually give a shit about the same thing at the same time. In taking a look at my Facebook feed tonight during the debate, all I could think was "sorry, Muhammad, but you're wrong."

     Holy tapdancing christ everyone, let's just calm down. I am watching people not only talk shit like this is a high school football game, but it's getting mean. It's getting personal, and it's getting vicious. Now I'm not one to shy away from an argument, and I've spent plenty of time talking politics. I know politics gets a lot of blood pumping. Hey, this is the fate of our country here, we all get to have an opinion, that's the whole point. The difference is that I've never called anyone an idiot for leaning a different way from me politically. I've never called them blind, I've never felt the need to resort to a personal attack to "prove" my point. As Tanios reminded me today, we had many a debate. But none of them ended with us telling the other that their trousers are unbecoming, no pistols at dawn.

     Let's look at that for a moment. We all understand that belittling someone for having a different opinion doesn't prove anything, right? We all get that, right? This is schoolyard bullshit here. All you're doing is devaluing what you're saying, and coming off as the worst possible representative of your party. Remember Howard Dean? I actually still think he would have made a good president. We might not have had another term of Bush if Dean hadn't flipped his shit at a campaign event, but instead we got John Fucking Kerry, and shit, I'd take anyone over that pile of crap. Dean got way too intense, so we didn't take him seriously. Think about it. I'll wait. You look petty, you look comical, and you look weak when you talk shit. You're never going to change hearts and minds like that. You're a joke, and we're all going to laugh at you. Stop it.

     Take a look at me and my buddy, and former roommate, Chuck. For the sake of discussion, I'm going to use broad terms in saying that I am generally liberal, while Chuck is generally conservative. We lived together for years, and not once did we have some insane and pointless throwdown over politics. I never told him that Bush survives off the blood of infants, and he never told me that Obama was not born in this country. Differing opinions are what makes this country swell. It's called mutual respect. You should try it, it's better than bath salts any day.

     I guess what I'm getting at here is this: please, shut the fuck up, and keep shutting the fuck up. I'm not saying you can't have an opinion. I'm not saying you can't have passion. Just please, don't be a prick about it. And hey, I think we'll all agree that I'm a world-class sonofabitch. But I don't need to talk down to someone because we disagree. I know it makes you feel like a badass, but all you are is a douche. Don't use the election as an excuse to show us who you really are, don't hide your true self behind politics. You are a tiny person and your only chance to feel superior is to talk down to people of other mindsets. With an attitude like that, you ought to run for office.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Reboot: Epilogue

     I want to start this off by thanking all of you for joining me on this journey. I won't quite say it was your stalwart support that held my head above water, but it was definitely the threat of your collective tomato-throwing that shamed me into succeeding with this. You have read the horrors of the process, from side effects to insanity, and I either appreciate or pity you, I haven't decided.

     My plans for dinner this evening got screwed up twice. I was going to go to Sushi Thai,but they don't open until 5 on Sundays, so that plan drowned. Next, I was going to enjoy Sushi Nine instead, but rehearsal ran late, so our break was shortened and we wouldn't have time for a sit-down. Spence, I'm so sorry you got us a table just to have me cancel on you. Love you! Anyway, I defaulted to the closest and fastest place I could think of, which was the Beansprout. It's cheap chinese, but it ain't half bad. I got my hands on one of their shitty egg rolls and took a bite. In that moment, as I bit into that cheap egg roll, I saw the face of god.

     The beauty, the intricacies, the subtle love that went into that shitty, probably frozen egg roll poured into not only my body, but into the crevices of my spirit, filling the gaps left by the deep hurts in my life. It was transcendent. Hello, old friend. I went after the General Tso's next, and it was no less amazing. All in all, I was only able to eat about a cup and a half of food before I was stuffed. Mission accomplished. The reduction in my appetite is really amazing. Before, I could have beasted that entire combo without a second thought. Now, I can eat the egg roll, a couple pieces of chicken and a few bites of rice, and I couldn't touch another spoonful. Forkful. Chopstickful. Whatever.

     This was really all worth it. Now that I know how to do this, I'm going to juice at least a couple days a week for lunch at work, to try to keep my appetite down and stay healthy. As I write this, I'm enjoying the first beer I've had in a week, and while it's cheap shit, it's good to me right now. It's good to be back in the world. Looking at the Reboot forums, they say that doing it in your normal diet helps a lot, and you don't have the crazy side-effects. About once every 3 months, you should do what they call a long weekend, which is just a 3-day cleanse. Now that I'm mixing this into a normal diet, I hope to start exercising a little more, maybe improve my overall health in the long term.

     If any of you are down for this, feel free to hit me up, I'll be happy to give you tips. Really the forums are spectacular, you don't really need a lot of outside help, but the buddy system never hurt anyone. I have to say, I almost recommend it. You know the side effects, and now the payoff, so weight the benefits.

     Thanks for coming along on this with me, you lunatics. Why you continued reading is beyond me, truly. I might update this every now and then, when the mood strikes me. I'll keep you posted. Hopefully, if I do, it will contain a lot less about the details of my bowel movements. Not nothing, mind you, just less.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Reboot: Day 7 Recap

     Sorry to bore you with how well this has been going over the last couple of days. Well it's time to get back to basics. Today was awful for a series of reasons, which I will lay out now.

     So I started my day by helping a friend move out of her apartment. As it turns out, you need to be careful on this diet. When you do physical activity, you have to ease into it. Start light, then ramp it up. Well, I haven't been trying to exercise on this diet. I figured that I have enough on my plate right now, no need to add strenuous physical activity. As it turns out, that was wise. I learned today exactly what happens when you wake a sleeping giant.

     Moving entertainment systems and boxes stirred the waters. Get to the choppa, whispered my bowels. Basically every hour on the hour, I had to absolutely purge everything I've ever eaten, and a few things I cannot identify. This continued even after I was done, and it was not pleasant. It has finally subsided, but it was a rough couple of hours.

     This is not the only problem I've been having today. The cravings have become pretty intense. My friends Randy, Mary Kate and I were watching a TV show together, and one of the characters was eating french fries. The experience of watching her eat them was something I can only describe as pornographic. I realized that in that moment, if Randy and Mary Kate had been eating those fries, I would have elbowed them both in the goddamn throats and taken those fries. And it would not have ended there. I would have eaten each and every one of those things, and then I would have shmeared the wrapper all over my body while dancing the dance of life. Those fries looked like a steaming package of hot dirty sex. I would have hurt people I care about for them. Even watching someone make a crappy tuna sandwich on there made my mouth water.

     As I type this, the show I am watching shows the characters eating pie, and it's hurting me. I want you to know that if you are eating while you are reading this, my senses for food are heightened. I am currently aware of every meal being eaten in a 2,000 meter radius of me. I can smell you through my internet, and your undoing is upon you. Tomorrow this is done, and while it's been a great experience, I have to say, I'll be happy to enjoy real food again. My first solid meal in a week will be a Sushi Thai, a personal local favorite of mine tomorrow evening. And I cannot wait.

Reboot: Day 6 Recap

     We're in the home stretch now kids, it's almost over. Sorry for the late post on this, I got home last night and went straight to bed, I've been exhausted. I'm going to miss how healthy I'm forced to be, but man if this diet isn't a pain in the ass a lot of the time, and I miss real food.

     I felt pretty damn good today, overall. I think that part of it has really normalized for me. My body knows what's up now, and we're on the same team. The temptation, however, has slowly ramped up. As my body becomes more and more accustomed to the Reboot, my mind seems to latch more and more onto very nearly all the food I come into contact with. Even really mundane stuff like toast in the toaster oven at work smells spectacular. And if I so much as smell cheese on something I want to bowl people over and snatch it up.

     The reserves of energy I have now are pretty amazing. When I have my juice in the morning, I'm surprised at how long that energy lasts me. It's a much more consistent boost than a cup of coffee, with no jitters. I had already been phasing caffeine out of my diet over the last couple of weeks, but now that it's out completely, I feel great. It's weird, I'm actually tired when I should go to bed. Funny how your body works when it's not taking in a lot of stimulants.

     Sorry to keep this post short and sweet, I gotta bounce. Stay handsome, and look for my post later tonight for the last full day recap, complete with new side effects today! I won't ruin the surprise, but been a rough day.