Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Reboot: Day 3 Recap

     Well, my day started bright and early today! Remember in my last post how I said I hoped I wasn't going to have to go to the bathroom again? What a fool I was to have jinxed myself like that! At about 4:30 AM I awoke to my inner voice going off like the red alert sound from Star Trek, shrieking you are going to shit in 5 seconds, regardless of location. Luckily, I had prepared myself for this. I had left the toilet seat down, but the cover up. I barely managed to stiff arm the bathroom door and sit down before the onslaught commenced. Little did I know this would be the death throes of my extreme deuces, out for one last good brawl. I wrapped up, collected what shards of my self respect I had not flushed, and managed to get a little more sleep before my alarm at 6 (welcome to office life, kids). 

     I got to work without incident, got settled, and cracked open my breakfast. I then experienced something that I had not yet since I started this arguably pointless and definitely insane journey: I could not finish the bottle. Now these bottles are approximately one liter each. I drink one for breakfast at about 7:15, and another for lunch at 11. Dinner for me is about 5 PM, so by the time breakfast rolls around, I'm usually starving. This bottle thwarted me. I forced myself to finish the last bit of it. I thought that perhaps I was getting sick of the juice, that the taste was getting to me, so I just didn't feel hungry. But the hunger didn't come back until lunchtime, and yet again, I couldn't finish the juice. I had used a sweet potato in my lunch, which makes it filling, so I only got through about 2/3 of it before I had to stop. I'm really amazed at how small my appetite is now, after only 3 days.

     The cravings, however, have escalated. Someone brought cake into the office, it was lurking in the break room, with a sign that said (this is true, no lie) "eat me" on it. While the Alice in Wonderland reference wasn't lost on me, I was soon deep in a fantasy of pulling the fire alarm, waiting for everyone to leave, and burying my fucking face into that cake, scrambling to grab every morsel as the firemen try to drag me from the room. At lunch, my old supervisor got chinese delivered. I'm not talking good stuff, I'm talking cheap, generic American-style Chinese food, also known as the BEST KIND OF CHINESE FOOD. I could have reached into his chest and pulled out his still beating heart to show him how black it was before the light faded in his eyes, and considered it for well over an hour after lunch, as the smell of that delicious fried rice hung in the air. 

     I did have to take one trip to the bathroom while at work, but it was a pleasant surprise. That's not to say it wasn't awful, it was, but at least now I'm not peeing out of my ass with the rage of my ancestors. No, now it's more like a series of shotgun blasts, but hey, at least it's over quick. I'm optimistic that I have weathered the worst of the storm. Looking around on the forums, the second day appears to be the hardest, so I think I'm out of the woods in that regard. The trick now is to keep my head in the game and control myself. 

     On a side note, hey God? It's me, Tim. So listen, um, I don't want to come off as presumptuous, but why in the sweet blue fuck would you put all the nutrients into something like kale, which tastes like a compost heap? Cut the shit. Take all that good stuff and put it in something more deserving, like a Slim Jim or a pancake.

     Well kids, that's it for me tonight. Tune in for Day 4 tomorrow!

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